So, I woke up for church this morning and after getting up and ready my mom told me we weren't going. Naturally, I hop back in bed and just begin thinking/praying/listening to worship music. As I was thinking I just felt this distance, like something was keeping me from fully letting myself worship God. I read a chapter in a book called victorious praying and it told me that I needed to identify a need and realize that I alone couldn't satisfy that.
I began thinking about my need to be brought back to Christ and worship him, all of a sudden my mind started thinking about perfect love driving out all fears. Fear. The word shot up in my brain. Fear? What was I afraid of. What I wrote last night came into my mind. I have this invision that of course I'll get into heaven, but if I don't achieve enough, or am not one of the biggest difference makers in this world, I will be vieing for a love that God won't give me. I feel liike I have to earn God's unlimited love. Yes, God's grace got me into heaven, but my deeds achieve how much I'm accepted there or am loved there.
This same idea came into play with my parents not too long ago. I had a breakdown this past semester at school when I realized all my life I had been trying to achieve love from people and from my parents especially. My identity was rooted in what people thought of me and what I did. Throughout school, I tried sports, I tried clubs, I tried academics, I tried church stuff, all trying to find my "sweet spot" persay where people looked up to me or looked at me. I was self-absorbed and selfish. I have been working through that and even told my parents about this issue, but never really thought about it with God. Honestly I dont' think this has been an issue with God all my life, but recent.
Ever since I learned more about the Bema seat of judgment in class. I learned that we will be judged by our works and given rewards or not according to what we have done. Immediately i remember thinking, well won't there be jealousy and comparison in heaven then. Some will have more than others. I remember getting this anxious feeling in my heart as I thought more about it, thinking I'm going to be looked down upon because of all the opportunities I've had and passed by. The people I could have influenced but didn't. I mean I've had the blessing to grow up in a Christian family, yet still im the worst of all.
So whats the answer. What the key to fixing the problem. I'm a problem-solver. I love just fixing a problem, being done and moving on to the next one. To me its like crossing off a to do list. I love crossing off the items. I don't know if this one is quite easily fixed though. I think this will be something I will need to be praying over the next few days and weeks and just talking to some people about it. Obviously the root here, is my view of God is messed up. I'm not seeing him as the God he truly is. I need to figure out that first and build off from that.
Well, I just didn't want to forget what God was just teaching me. Thats all for now! Ill update tonight!
Christy
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