Morning #2

So, I woke up for church this morning and after getting up and ready my mom told me we weren't going.  Naturally, I hop back in bed and just begin thinking/praying/listening to worship music.  As I was thinking I just felt this distance, like something was keeping me from fully letting myself worship God.  I read a chapter in a book called victorious praying and it told me that I needed to identify a need and realize that I alone couldn't satisfy that.

I began thinking about my need to be brought back to Christ and worship him, all of a sudden my mind started thinking about perfect love driving out all fears.  Fear.  The word shot up in my brain.  Fear? What was I afraid of.  What I wrote last night came into my mind.  I have this invision that of course I'll get into heaven, but if I don't achieve enough, or am not one of the biggest difference makers in this world, I will be vieing for a love that God won't give me.  I feel liike I have to earn God's unlimited love.  Yes, God's grace got me into heaven, but my deeds achieve how much I'm accepted there or am loved there.

This same idea came into play with my parents not too long ago. I had a breakdown this past semester at school when I realized all my life I had been trying to achieve love from people and from my parents especially.  My identity was rooted in what people thought of me and what I did.  Throughout school, I tried sports, I tried clubs, I tried academics, I tried church stuff, all trying to find my "sweet spot" persay where people looked up to me or looked at me.  I was self-absorbed and selfish.  I have been working through that and even told my parents about this issue, but never really thought about it with God.  Honestly I dont' think this has been an issue with God all my life, but recent.

Ever since I learned more about the Bema seat of judgment in class.  I learned that we will be judged by our works and given rewards or not according to what we have done.  Immediately i remember thinking, well won't there be jealousy and comparison in heaven then.  Some will have more than others.  I remember getting this anxious feeling in my heart as I thought more about it, thinking I'm going to be looked down upon because of all the opportunities I've had and passed by.  The people I could have influenced but didn't.  I mean I've had the blessing to grow up in a Christian family, yet still im the worst of all.

So whats the answer.  What the key to fixing the problem.  I'm a problem-solver.  I love just fixing a problem, being done and moving on to the next one.  To me its like crossing off a to do list.  I love crossing off the items.  I don't know if this one is quite easily fixed though.  I think this will be something I will need to be praying over the next few days and weeks and just talking to some people about it.  Obviously the root here, is my view of God is messed up.  I'm not seeing him as the God he truly is.  I need to figure out that first and build off from that.

Well, I just didn't want to forget what God was just teaching me.  Thats all for now! Ill update tonight!

Christy

Day #1 Recap

Well, today was a bit disappointing in how I used my time.  I am going to be a bit more disciplined tomorrow.  I ended up waking up at around 1pm (horrible I know) and spending much of my day doing miniscule things such as going to Jewel to get juice, running to the bank, watching a movie with Chris and Marty, playing mexican train, reading some of the new testament in spanish.  I didn't make as much time as I wanted for prayer and focusing on Christ. I simply slipped him in between the busyness.  It is now 2 am and I don't feel very God focused.  My day will definitely need to end with a good chunk of prayer time.

I have been reading through Nehemiah lately, but for this fast I was hoping to spend much of my time in a different book of the bible dedicating a chapter a day to each day of the fast.  Honestly though, I don't know where to spend it.  I have thoroughly studied james and philippians lately, but don't know if there is another book that is good book to really dig into during a fasting period.  I guess any is better than none, maybe tonight ill just pick one and go for it.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. There are a good amount of little stresses in my life right now that I just need to give to the Lord.  Not only this, but I am realizing how often I forget how much I am in need of God and his saving grace.  To even go beyond that I am feeling overwhelmed at the fact that I make myself out to be such a good Christian when I am horrible.  It's not that I do so many bad things (well, i definitely have my moments and days) but the fact of what I could be doing.  I hear all these students going out, evangelizing, healing the sick, speaking life into the dead, spending hours in prayer and worship and I look at myself and I shrink back.  My dad tells me all these stories of his college days and the miracles God did and I try to identify myself with him. I try to say look God, I'm his daughter, see how great he is, I may not have done anything, but we're related! No, I can't do that.  Instead of giving, I choose to take, which leaves me unsatisfied. I feel overwhelmed in all that I should and could and would be doing if I were truly living my life as Christ desired and I retreat and go into hiding realizing that I fail so much.  I give up and say, well, I'm never going to achieve that so why even try.  It's too much work.  I'm too busy.  I don't have the guts.  What if I'm rejected.  What about my friends.  I want to wait til im done at Moody.  All these lies Satan puts in my mind telling me I can't, I won't, I'm not good enough.  I have always known that God has a big plan for my life, but yet I don't feel worthy of it. I feel like I'm going to look at God in the eye like Moses did and say, ehh not me, I can't do it.  It's too much work or I don't know the details, etc.  That is definitely an area I need to bring up to the Lord.

I have plenty of other things to be praying about as well:
-Friends at Moody (going through a rough patch with that.  I just need discernment.  I don't know whether to withdraw or push. I don't know whether I am being selfish, or serving God fully.  It is so complicated for me)
-Relationship (clarity for both of us and for me to know what line needs to be drawn if we decide not to date. Patience and just going slow.  Allowing God to reveal himself in his own time.)
-Unity for Moody
-Revival in city of Chicago
-direction (Major wise)
-summer plans
-friends that need to be saved!

It is late (or early) and I really do want to pray and just read a bit before I hit the sack, so I think this is it for now! Good night!

Pre Fast Confession

I just finished my Christmas desert, a piece of cheesecake and ice cream. What a perfect food to end with before I begin a fast ;)! Well tonight I just wanted to lay out some of my heart and some issues I will be lifting to the Lord this week as well as some confession time and just things I really want to praise him for even beginning this fast. 

Confession: (I believe in being vulnerable as the Christian body, and may the Spirit work in your heart as I share some struggles I have)

       *Honoring God with my body: I struggle with balancing a healthy diet and working out at school. It's tough.  Sometimes I'll feel like I've achieved it and the minute pride sets in, Satan drags me out and entices me.  This leads to...

       *Identity in Christ: When I'm not honoring God with my body, I begin to put myself in a category of how the world views me.  I begin to look at myself and who God created me and judge my looks, talents, personality, etc. I look for my security in others, which is not where it should be. 

       *Coveting: Whether that looks like a new northface, or a relationship, or a certain character trait/physical aspect; it is all sin to God.

       *Financially: As I am getting older, I love learning how to use my money wisely and part of this is ignorance, but part is not.  I am beginning to see that where I put my money isn't fully honoring God.  Honestly, my parents are paying for school, I have a job, I don't need to be spending, but somehow, I always seem to spend so much, which isn't wise.  Yes, I am giving a lot, but I could be doing other things more wisely financially.

      *Comfort: I'm getting comfortable, plain and simple.  At Moody, we definitely are a bubble and I'm letting myself fall into it. I'm allowing myself to be settled with once a week PCM and once a week church. Am I evangelizing?  Am I investing in others' lives? Am I building up the body of Christ? The answer to all of the following is definitely not to the extent needed.

      *Selfish: Oh boy am I realizing this. In anything and everything, I have to ask myself why I am doing something.  Even the little things like listening to someone, what are my motives? Am I doing this to gain something for myself.  Man, this is becoming a bigger and bigger issue each day as  I let God reveal this in my life. 

      *Love:  This goes along with the selfishness.  I am not loving God and others as they deserve.  I am realizing how good I've been at giving 50% and saying that is the full extent of what I can give.  I am realizing that I don't give fully until I know that I will receive in the end.  I am realizing that we are to love without fear, something I am not good at all and still learning. 

God, 

these are some huge issues.  They are small little topics that can easily be changed. I am constantly falling short of what you desire from me. I am by no means deserving of your perfect love, or you abundant grace.  I am nothing but a wretched sinner, damned to hell by my own choices.  God on this very day, a few thousand years ago, you came to this earth for me.  You gave up your glory, you put aside your throne and came to this earth as the son of a young girl. With blood sweated out of you in tears of anguish some 30 years into your life, you chose to save me when I didn't deserve it. You prayed for that cup to be taken from you, but even when God said no, to his only son whom he loved, even when your father forsaked you on that cross, you chose me.  You were rejected, you were mocked, you were beaten, you were unloved.  Still, even through just the pain and hurt of this earth, you overcame it. Thank you for choosing me, God for coming to this world and saving the least of these as myself.  God, I so often forget how great a sinner I am. I forget that I am undeserving of anything, that all I am and I have is solely by your grace.  Lord God bring me to my knees father.  I want to be helpless God so that I cry out to you all the days of my life! As I begin this time of refocusing my eyes on you father, may my heart be in check father.  May my motives be pure and my eyes on the prize.  May I seek your face continuously and be ready and willing to hear your rebuke, your encouragement, you wisdom and guidance.  Hear me O Lord, listen to my prayers Father.  I know it is by your grace alone that my prayers will be answered.  Create in my a clean heart lord. Forgive me for these things that I've written down and those that I haven't come to acknowledge God.  May I be pure and blameless, declared righteous in your name.  God, the prayers of a righteous man are both powerful and effective and so God, because of your mercy in forgiveness, you have declared me righteous and so Father I pray that this week as I pour out to you father, may you show your power and grace and love.  Show it for your name's sake, so that your name might not be defamed, that you would not yield your glory to another.  God I thank you for a beautiful night God, that I have a family to celebrate you with. A family that loves you over anything father. I thank you for food to eat and a warm home to be in away from the cold. Lord as I begin this fast father, I know it will be tough.  It always is.  God I pray you would stretch me Lord. I pray you would strengthen me, and you would be my daily bread father.  That I would find my joy in you and not the delights of this world. I pray you would create discipline in me and that I would just be refocused and renewed.  Lord lead me by streams of water, restore my soul, so that my cup overflows with you.  May I be a blessing to the people around me and may I use this time to put others first and give to others.  If at any point Lord my heart's motives are wrong God convict me and bring me back to you.  Protect me from Satan's schemes in this God and pour your spirit over me and fill me to the brim.  God you deserve to be number 1 and you haven't been.  I am sorry father, forgive me.  Forgive me and God may I draw near to you father, because you promise that when I do that, you will draw near to me.  God thanks for a great year, filled with challenges and new experiences.  I love you.

Amen

And it begins...

Alright,
So I started thinking about the idea of a blog and came to find out, I have one! I completely forgot!!! Well, here is the beginning of the updated, new, improved blog 2010! I am hoping to update this a farely decent amount of times with things I am learning, just experiences, exciting news, etc.

I wanted to start today because tomorrow I start a fast until the new year.  For 4 days, I will be having nothing but juice, but on day 5 & 6 I will be eating fruits and veggies and slowly beginning to reincorporate foods into my system.  During the fast I want to blog things God is revealing, daily prayers, and just verses or challenging thoughts that arise.  Let's end 2009 on a solid note with God and begin 2010 with fervor towards his name :)! AMEN!

As of right now, I would write more, but I have to go sort out driving ideas for PASSION 2010 in Atlanta Georgia! I have to get to bloomington Il somehow :/.