Well, today was a bit disappointing in how I used my time. I am going to be a bit more disciplined tomorrow. I ended up waking up at around 1pm (horrible I know) and spending much of my day doing miniscule things such as going to Jewel to get juice, running to the bank, watching a movie with Chris and Marty, playing mexican train, reading some of the new testament in spanish. I didn't make as much time as I wanted for prayer and focusing on Christ. I simply slipped him in between the busyness. It is now 2 am and I don't feel very God focused. My day will definitely need to end with a good chunk of prayer time.
I have been reading through Nehemiah lately, but for this fast I was hoping to spend much of my time in a different book of the bible dedicating a chapter a day to each day of the fast. Honestly though, I don't know where to spend it. I have thoroughly studied james and philippians lately, but don't know if there is another book that is good book to really dig into during a fasting period. I guess any is better than none, maybe tonight ill just pick one and go for it.
I've had a lot on my mind lately. There are a good amount of little stresses in my life right now that I just need to give to the Lord. Not only this, but I am realizing how often I forget how much I am in need of God and his saving grace. To even go beyond that I am feeling overwhelmed at the fact that I make myself out to be such a good Christian when I am horrible. It's not that I do so many bad things (well, i definitely have my moments and days) but the fact of what I could be doing. I hear all these students going out, evangelizing, healing the sick, speaking life into the dead, spending hours in prayer and worship and I look at myself and I shrink back. My dad tells me all these stories of his college days and the miracles God did and I try to identify myself with him. I try to say look God, I'm his daughter, see how great he is, I may not have done anything, but we're related! No, I can't do that. Instead of giving, I choose to take, which leaves me unsatisfied. I feel overwhelmed in all that I should and could and would be doing if I were truly living my life as Christ desired and I retreat and go into hiding realizing that I fail so much. I give up and say, well, I'm never going to achieve that so why even try. It's too much work. I'm too busy. I don't have the guts. What if I'm rejected. What about my friends. I want to wait til im done at Moody. All these lies Satan puts in my mind telling me I can't, I won't, I'm not good enough. I have always known that God has a big plan for my life, but yet I don't feel worthy of it. I feel like I'm going to look at God in the eye like Moses did and say, ehh not me, I can't do it. It's too much work or I don't know the details, etc. That is definitely an area I need to bring up to the Lord.
I have plenty of other things to be praying about as well:
-Friends at Moody (going through a rough patch with that. I just need discernment. I don't know whether to withdraw or push. I don't know whether I am being selfish, or serving God fully. It is so complicated for me)
-Relationship (clarity for both of us and for me to know what line needs to be drawn if we decide not to date. Patience and just going slow. Allowing God to reveal himself in his own time.)
-Unity for Moody
-Revival in city of Chicago
-direction (Major wise)
-summer plans
-friends that need to be saved!
It is late (or early) and I really do want to pray and just read a bit before I hit the sack, so I think this is it for now! Good night!
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