The Beginning of the Journey

Well,

This is day one...day one of my blog...and day one of a new start for myself.  Sometimes I just feel like I have to wash my slate clean; with God, with friends; with my schedule; priorities; and life in general and this is one of those times. I am soon (56 days I believe) to embark on a new journey and new time in my life. Costa Rica. But, I am not there yet and I feel like God has much preparation to do in my life before I leave. Everyday I feel like I have so much growing to do before I can take on certain tasks and this is one of them. Lately, I feel like my life has been a constant blur, and I think family and friends would agree. I just keep going and going and going; I'm pretty sure I've beat that energizer bunny for sure by now.  From 50 hours a week working to squeezing in every possible relational time with friends, to working out, sleeping. My goodness I stress just thinking about it.  What I realize as I am sitting here (while my schedule says I'm supposed to be working out then going to work) is I'm missing the priorities of my life. I'm missing the real essentials of summer that I first laid out for myself.  These include reading books, delving into scripture, relaxing and I've turned into a workaholic, constant blur as I said before.  And the sabbath? Yea, thats not happening.  To be growing to my fullest potential in Christ I can't be deliberately breaking one of his commandments. It is so interesting how God has been trying to keep me from working so much yet I find more. I won't get scheduled and then I'll find more hours by taking shifts. Even the Lord God maker of Heaven and Earth the most powerful being rested on the 7th day. Where on earth do I get this idea that I can surpass this?  So starting today I am going to begin something new. I am going to work on getting my priorities straight. Besides when God is first, he provides. I don't need to worry. 

Now my second aspect of starting fresh, my walk. Growing up in a christian home is a blessing that I am truly truly truly 100% thankful for. More than ever, this year I have learned how fantastic of a blessing my family is.  Even mentoring several girls this morning I came across the word blessing in John 13:17. Jesus says to his disciples after washing their feet, "Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them".  What do Jesus mean he will bless them.  So if we serve we are blessed? So those people in Haiti who can't even find water to drink are blessed if they serve? it doesn't seem like it. So I looked up blessing today in the dictionary and this is a couple of the things it said:

blessing

a special favor, mercy, or benefit

a favor or gift bestowed by God, therefore bringing happiness

the invoking of God's favor upon a person

Then I began to realize, because we live in a sinful materialistic world, we often think about blessings at this level.  We think of blessings as health, wealth, protection, shelter. But God's blessings are definitely not limited to that.  His gifts do include supplying our material needs, but it goes beyond that.  He gives personal attention, individual spiritual gifts, and faith.  He lets you know his plans, love, and presence.  These are private events between u and God, so you build that relationship. We deserve nothing..absolutely nothing. Where did we start thinking our life was ours for the taking.  God blesses us everyday. and back to my original thought, he has blessed me with an INCREDIBLE family. I could NEVER EVER have asked for a better one.  My dad is one of the wisest people i know, and my mother one of the most compassionate.  They demonstrate Christ's passion and love everyday to me.  Much too often I have taken this blessing for granted as a well shoot now I have to live up to that.  Which I'm not gunna lie can be rough at times. Growing up in middle school and High School i was just expected to be the leader and know the answer. Which I normally did, but it began my time of "yes i know the very shallow level answer that will just satisfy you enough to make you think I know my Bible and am growing. "  Now after years and years of time that I could have been growing and deepening my relationship and digging deeper since I already had that shallow basis, I feel behind not up to par or at least where I want to be.  This is where my second aspect of change comes in. For about a year now I have truly 100% been wanting to go beyond, but stuck in that rut saying I don't know where to go. I'm in that middle part of the Bible where I know the shallow answer desperately wanting to know that deeper answer but not having any idea of how to get to that answer. I know I've heard what you are tihnking "well, you just have to study study study". k 1. me and studying have a hard time going together but im working on it 2. yes i know and I do, but I don't knwo where to start. I get so overwhelmed with the Bible on occasion i quit.  I want so much for someone older and wiser to direct me and tell me this is how you should go abouts learning this or giving me specific instruction.  I will often times look at a chapter in the Bible and feel like i could spend 10 hours on that passage because I want to understand the history and the context and the real hebrew and the time period and the tone etc etc. Then I look at the chapter and say OMGosh there is like thousands of these chapters in teh Bible and then that overwhelming feeling reoccurs. I mean don't get me wrong I spend time in my Bible and I do read very often. I just have such a desire to go deeper, with no understanding of where to go with it and no one to lead me.  This year I even asked someone to mentor me and disciple me ( i know its weird I asked someone else not them asking me, but thats how much i wanted it) and I ended up right back where I started ...not being challenged. Thats the root of it..i want to be challenged to learn. and I'm not.  Even mentoring these younger students right now has been an answer to prayer for me.  I've had to study so I can teach them. ya i'm sure they aren't wanting to dig as deep as I am but I want them to have the passion I do so I'm going to pushthem to "do hard things" like Alex and Brett harris talk about in their book.  I am soo not a C (the study person) in the DISC personality test. That is my least, so this is really hard for me to do, just study.  I am and I (relational) person off the charts.  So my start fresh part for this summer is learning how to study and doing it. 

My third and final aspect for now is friendships.  I am all about friendships. I have so many different groups and different friends its pretty crazy. Like I'm not just saying that, it's ridiculous how many different ones I have.  I'm not saying that to brag either, cause personally I would much rather prefer to have 10 close close friends than the way I am. I did for awhile but this is why I am starting fresh with my friendships. My four years of high school I always has good friends I never lacked a strong social life.  My senior year especially I grew close with about 10 mainly 6 girls that I felt completely comfortable with and thought it was forever. Yea I made a few mistakes last year and even this year, that probably got me closer with this group than I would have been. It was satans way of tempting me, sin to achieve acceptance.  When I graduated early I began to grow more and more and they began to get a jump-start on the college party life (or at least a large glimpse of it).  Just to avoid those tempting situations I said no to several nights of "partying" and my once close group of friends began to shut me out.  Friends are a huge aspect of my life and losing just one friend is really hard for me. This was and is still hard for me. I still see them often but it is soo awkward and hard to chew on. I know they hang out I know thye are all still close.  On graduation night they gave eachother notes right in front of my face and left me feeling completely uncomfortable and alone.  Yes, we are still friends and I still do not lack for a social life, but just knowing how much time and effort I put into the friendship kills me.  Time i could and probably should have been investing into christian fellowship or God himself.  I remember reading a passage in Matthew a few nights ago and I"m not even sure what verse it was but part of it was Jesus talking and he said, "everyone will hate you because of me".  Honestly, though it may sound weird, that is one of the most comforting things to me. Yet again, Jesus has blessed me beyond belief. Does everyone hate me ?? No, Do i have friends, yes! So I have a few that hate me, so what. God has blessed me with the gift of himself in my life and friends that care about me. I'm sure there is a reason why these girls were put into my life and I'm so thankful for the experiences we had, but I am not slipping into my old ways.  Maybe they will see the example i have made from saying no to the worldly ways and in future times that iwll lead them to Christ who knows. Compared to the hardships those starving in Africa, those being murdered for their faith in other countries, I have endured nothing. I have so much to be thankful for.  

I dont' deserve anything and I guess this summer I want to begin a journey where I understand that and don't take that for granted. I want ot become the kind of disciple Christ designed for me to be.  I want to serve him with my whole heart, soul, mind, and strength, and relationships. Im ready to begin that journey.