SO...
Tonight I had the opportunity to hear Francis Chan speak at Moody Bible Institute after working during the Legacy conference there. It blew my mind...
Why? :
Because God tied a year's worth of wrestling and confusion into one, showing me the truth behind the small things that continuously bugged me and i experienced this year.
Summer: encouragement circle. Everyone said, "You are the epitome of a godly women" "Prayer warrior" "Truly a woman seeking the face of the Lord"...I cried. Not out of flattery, but out of pain...
REACTION: confusion of why I felt hurt and frustrated.
Fall: Identity Crisis. Looking into the past and issues that have brought me to where I am now and growing from them and getting through them.
REACTION: reason. Shined on true motives and underlying intentions in my actions. Is it pure love or is it selfish
Winter/Spring: Growth. The power of a vision. The Lord lays ideas and burdens my heart for things and with friends beside me we witnessed the power of God through prayer and fasting.
REACTION: burden for the lost. a reputation amongst the people around me. friendship.
Spring/Summer: Questioning. This is where my last blog coincides. The idea of a hierarchy. It tore me up inside. A fear was growing after the ministry. This expectation from the people around me, one that i didn't feel like i was living up to.
REACTION: give up, toss in the towel, run from people and from God. Cover up my fear. Mask it all. Maintain the reputation
Summer: Loneliness & ministry. What does it mean to bear fruit? Is it converts. No, it is a lifestyle of love as Pastor Aaron Youngren talked about in church last Sunday (ironically the one sunday I go to the Line Church), talks exactly on what i have been struggling with in bearing fruit in our lives today.
REACTION: hope, but still a sense of fear and failure in the eyes of God.
Tonight: the message. I will just rewrite what i wrote in my journal tonight.
All these little things that I've been wrestling with & feeling the Lord really used Francis Chan's message tonight to speak to me. Rev. 3:1 was written to a church & says "I know your reputation for being alive but you are dead" I have been scared of dying for fear of this hierarchy of cities according to works. I have been wrestling with the concept of "bearing fruit" I read a biography on missionaries in Africa and grew aware of my jealousy for those who have the blessed ministry in the burbs..pastor's of a church, seeing growth, but yet the largest struggle is the broken car. I get caught up with reputation and what people see me as. At passion 2010 they challenged us to think not "what you want to be when you get older" but "who you will become". My 2 things were a woman of prayer and love. Well, not that i am trying to live according to those ambitions..things have gotten a bit tougher than just becoming a leader in the church. I use godliness and Jesus as a mask to be desirable to the poeple around me. I am giving to the Lord, but is it my first fruits or am I giving solely what others can see. They see life, but God "searches me and knows me". I feel not good enough, but is there reason behind that. Is God convicting me that I am holding on to my sin, my pride, my mask? Am I madly in love wiht JESUS, or am I creating a mirage hoping that people see me over Him. Some tough stuff right there.
I leave with this.
Rev. 2:4-5
4But I have this against you, that you have abandoned(H) the love you had at first. 5Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do(I) the works you did at first. If not,(J) I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent.
My response to this:
1. Consider: Remember my first love, the love and intimacy I once have. Rekindle the flame of love
2. Repent: Recognize the sin the has caused the abandonment and me to forget my first love
3. Bear Fruit: Do the works I did at first: LOVE God, LOVE people. Live boldly, passionately, and fully in intimacy with Christ
